Why I Google myself

• To remember how to spell my name
• To check whether that Myspace I had years ago is still there
• It’s faster than calling my mum and asking
• Actually wanted to Google something else but muscle memory got me doing myself again
• To do numerology on the number of unique hits and calculate the day on which to hold my wedding
• To find out if there’s some way I can add myself as a friend on Facebook
• If I Google myself enough will they pay me royalties?
• To fantasise about being Adham Shaikh
• To see if I can catch other people Googling me
• To remind myself what I’ve done (maybe I’ll do it again?)
• If I Google myself enough will they ask me to be a consultant?
• To pour scorn on Adham Faramawy
• To see how to get red wine stains out of white wine shirts
• To find information on the species of wasp coincidentally also called Adham Smart
• So that when people Google something beginning with ‘A’ or ‘S’ in my browser they’ll see how many times I’ve looked and under how many variations and answer my cry for help
• I come across unexpected tips on garden safety
• To observe any changes in results and either a) sigh because internet inertia or b) weep because can’t handle change
• To try to use Ask Jeeves but then realise I’m probably better off asking Adham Smart
• What if one day there’s nothing there? What if all the Adhams in their Shaikh and Faramawy guises conspire to squeeze me out of the written world, replicate like cancers in the cells of my online presence and burst my name apart, and then all I am is a boy in a room in a city, with habits but no habitat, connected but unplugged, drinking endless glasses of water and looking up from the empty screen at the ceiling where I’ve stuck pieces of paper saying DON’T|WASTE|YOUR|TIME

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