“Alright everyone, this obsession with putting-a dash-of-milk in things HAS to end. I put-a-dash-of-milk in my tea, I do, and sometimes in coffee (not when anyone’s looking, ugh), and will readily recognise the rights of other ones to put dashes, large or small, of milk in cereal, hot chocolate, mashed potato, scrambled eggs, ice lollies made of milk, yoghurt, cheese, milkshakes, milk, and many other suchlike comestibles. I will NOT, however, tolerate the obscene and outdated practice of putting-a-dash-of-milk in things that never have, do not now, and never will require it. Why should in your orange juice you put-a-dash-of-milk? In your hollowed-out apple? Whom gave you the right to put-a-dash-of-milk in a croissant, and HOW do you even put-a-dash-of-milk in (‘in’, as if!) a some chewing gum? In-dash-of-milk-putting is outfarly the worst of all food wrongs, and certainmost we can expect slululubinous effects many years down the line – who knowsle, even childrenfolkmayoneday be dashmilking their uncle-ears put!”

Have someone’s irregular food habits caused your grasp of language, or that of someone you know, to break down? Call the NHS Speech-Act Reclamation Department’s confidential hotline for support and advice.


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